apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
