I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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