Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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