Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
