I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
