totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
