and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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