i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
