I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize