Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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