i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
