He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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