Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
