My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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