It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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