I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Green mimosas i think yes
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize