i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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