Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
