I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
