i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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