Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize