yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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