The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize