70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
