I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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