hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
