when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
