mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
