I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
