New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
