so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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