first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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