Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
