I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
