you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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