i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
