I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
