Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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