I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
