i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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