Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Randomize
