I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
