What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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