I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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