btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize