Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
