im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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