Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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