I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Randomize
