In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize