Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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