Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
