Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
