Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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