so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
