Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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