i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Randomize