There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
