I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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