where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
