so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
