Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
