if you like me you must not know who I am
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
