i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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