Sacagawea was the original milf.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
