I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
