Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I just want nice things and good sex
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
