I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
