Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize