found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
