Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
