does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
