the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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