I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize