I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize