I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
